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I love men.  And I believe that men really do live to make women happy. They very often simply do not know how to do that. It is up to us (women) to teach our guys what it is we want. As much as we might wish, they can’t read our minds.  That if he only knew what you wanted- your life would be better, and so would his.

I teach women how to bring the best out of the men they work with, live with, sleep with and raise. ‘Man-training’ is actually educating a woman on how to bring out the hero that lives inside every man.

The most important ingredient in man-training is a woman who is happy with herself, first, foremost and always, and is able to gracefully tell her guy how to make her even happier.

The most important practice in a relationship is communication- and to communicate as if you were both batting for the same team, rather than opposing ones.

Never doubt your man’s ability to give you whatever you want. All men are capable of creating anything that their woman truly desires.

Sex is incredibly important. Many couples blame each other for the lack of sex, rather than take the time to really learn how to continually expand the intimacy in a relationship. It is possible to have a sex life that continually gets better and better- just like practicing piano – you can get better and better over time if you simply practice and learn how. Taking classes to improve your sex life is a great investment.

Women often complain that they are not having enough sex, or that their partner does not give them much pleasure. But women often do not know enough about their own body and their own capacity to experience orgasm. If I want to give someone good directions, I have to be willing to go there first, myself.

1. Practice sex with the same level of attention that you might give to tennis lessons or working out.
2. Take classes +  read books,
3. Experiment! Learn your own instrument, and you can have a sex life that everyone will envy!

I am doing 2 posts this week with Regena Thomashauer, an author, as well as the creator/ directress of the School of Womanly Arts in NYC– so you know this woman means business. Regena is the high priestess of women/ love/ transformation and is recognized throughout many circles with great passion + fervor as Mama Gena. Regena teaches thousands upon thousands of women how to celebrate the privilege of being a woman; feel gorgeous and radiant; take pleasure from each moment; take powerful steps in the direction of their dreams and desires; and learn how to find the sacred in the mundane. And for those who know me, know that she is one of my most favorite sages walking the planet.

I asked Regena if she would share her thoughts on all-things woman… topics such as: what is it that all women are desiring/ the importance of best daily practices/ what it means to take “exquisite care” of yourself/ what we should know about men/ the art of practicing + learning sex.

I am an author, educator, creatrix and CEO of ‘Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts,’ where I teach women how to use the power of pleasure to have their way with the world.  I have taught thousands and thousands of women, over the past 15 years, to truly take advantage of the privilege of being women and design their lives based on their desires.

I am now, and have always been a researcher. Before being Mama Gena, I was investigating everything I could get my hands on to understand why women (myself included) were so consistently incapable of living into the full extent their power, beauty and confidence. I wanted to understand why women put themselves down, get desperately crushed by inadequate relationships, and do not allow their voices to be heard in the world. I was researching the ancient goddess traditions, sex and sensuality, and the differences between men and women. Women are the greatest untapped natural resource in the world. We are all incredible legends- with our lids on. My job is to teach a woman to live the legend that she is- in her lifetime.

I am an expert in everything woman.  I know and love her darkness, her light, her fire, her depth, her passion, her grief, her raw enthusiasm.

I seduce women to fall in love with every aspect of themselves, to stand in their feminine power, and live the privilege of what it means to be a woman in every sense of that word.

The women who are attracted to my work are women whose lives are working pretty well: They are smart, educated, accomplished- but- they long for something more. They have a sense that they are not living their full potential as women. They might want more love, more sex, more creativity, more money, more passion, more intimacy with her family, more pleasure from her life, more impact in her career, or simply a nameless longing that there is more out there for her. My clients are very diverse in age- from 18-85… Some want to get married, some want to repair their marriages, some want to change careers, some want to have a baby, some want to start dating, some want to intensify their sex lives with their partners, some want to feel happy and connected with a community of women.

1. women want to feel beautiful
2. live their most deeply held dreams and desires
3. get paid well for their work
4. live their creative voice
5. experience deep intimacy with their partners and families
6. have an ever-expanding sex life

1.  I want her to use her remarkable, unique, powerful voice in every circumstance.
2. Feel hotter than she has every felt in her life, no matter her age or opinion of herself.
3. Take huge radical risks in the direction of her dreams.

Women have no idea what a huge resource they have in one another.  Our culture teaches women to compete rather than collaborate.  What a waste of energy!  The whole purpose of the School of Womanly Arts is to teach women how to support and be supported by community.  Having a community of support, when you are going for big dreams is like adding jet fuel propulsion to your desires.  Women will stand for you when you lose the courage to stand for yourself.

A woman who is successful with her love life and career is a woman who takes exquisite care of herself, first and foremost. There is no way to be generous with others if you have not replenished your own well, and cared for yourself.

It is not easy for a woman to prioritize herself. Women were taught to look after their husbands, families, bosses, and co-workers–pretty much everyone but themselves! So, it requires a huge paradigm shift for a woman to begin to even consider her own pleasure. But, pleasure does not have to take a lot of time. It can be as simple as dressing in clothes that make you feel pretty, even when you are tired. Or having a 5-minute hot bath with great tunes, at the end of a long day- before you cook dinner. Or it can be giving yourself a few minutes a day to read a great book, or making sure you buy yourself a bouquet of flowers for your desk, or actually sit yourself down and enjoy a healthy meal, rather than eating the kid food or the leftovers. None of these things take a lot of time- but- they are all about your quality of life and prioritizing your own pleasure.

A woman must choose at least 3 practices each day that bring her joy. Each woman is different, and she must do the research necessary to find out what it is that can create pleasure in her body, and consequently, her life. Whenever we have a pleasurable experience there is a huge internal physical consequence. Pleasure improves blood flow by the creation of nitric oxide, which turns on the production of neurotransmitters, including beta-endorphin, which dulls pain and creates euphoria, allowing you to deal more effectively with stress. Prolactin is another neurotransmitter that nitric oxide releases, which is the hormone of bonding. So, the creation of pleasure is important as a method of generating health in the human body. It is important for a woman to figure out what action steps can change her chemistry and raise her orbit, in order to not only find, but, maintain her sense of well-being.

I wake up at around 630a… I make a green tea, sit at my alter, and begin my day with 12 gratitudes.  After that, I work out; I get on the phone with my spring cleaning partner, and we do some spring cleaning, followed by a holy trinity:  a brag, a gratitude and a desire. This keeps me clean and clear and in the present moment for the rest of the day.

As you can probably tell, pleasure is not for the faint of heart– it is not for sissies. Why?  Well, it is very easy to live a miserable life.  Do nothing, and you will have a miserable life. But to live a pleasured life- an extraordinary life- requires eternal vigilance.  You have to prioritize your joy above all other values, every single day. It is all about vigilance.

What resonates for people about my books. I think the fact that they are about the real issues we deal with, and the things that affect us all. the things that happen in my books happen to all of us: death, divorce, accidents, illness, the loss of a child, or a job, or challenges in a relationship, or handicaps (blindness, deafness). I try to write about modern issues and challenges too: women with weight issues, body image/anorexia, computer dating (and its risks), bringing up our children, losing our parents, struggling with work or money, loneliness, homelessness. I write about the  things that we all have to face every day, or exceptionally. I try to share with people interesting times, during wars, or times of crisis (earthquakes). Human failings and foibles, betrayals, marriage, infidelities, mental illness, rape. I think there are many things in my books that people can relate to. And despite the hard times that we all face, at every socio-economic level, and at every age, under it all I try to give people hope that they will come through it and survive, that life can be kind as well as cruel. I think people relate to experiences similar to theirs, and they pick up on the theme of hope and integrity, that seems to give them the courage to go on. I write the stories that come to me, and that are in my head. There is no recipe for them, but I think the books are meaningful to people because they can relate to similar experiences in their own lives.

 It’s hard to say what inspires my stories. Sometimes, but very rarely, real life. Once in a while a news item, or a historical event, or something I hear about that happened. But more often than not, the stories just fall out of the sky. I start thinking about an idea, and it grows on me, and then I have to come up with the characters to go with it, and little by little it builds. I never know what will inspire a story, and sometimes I am surprised myself by what comes to mind, and appeals to me. And I don’t know where the stories come from, they just happen. (And I’m very grateful that they do). I never let people “tell me their real life stories,” that never works for me. I need to invent my own.

How men and women approach relationships. I saw a cartoon drawing once, of a pie with one slice marked in it. The single slice was labelled “how much men think of relationships,” and the huge rest of the pie was “How much women think of relationships” And I think that may be true. I think we put a lot of time and energy into thinking about our relationships. I think men think a lot less about it, and just cruise along.

Interesting question if women can have it all. I married and began having children very young. And I started my writing career young too. (Both marriage and career in my teens). And people always told me you couldn’t have, or do, both. You had to pick a lane. I was always doggedly determined to do both, to have a husband and kids—-even a lot of them (7 of my own, and two wonderful stepchildren who came into my life when they were very young and I love as my own, so in my heart I have 9 kids)—-and I needed to write too. It was something I ‘had’ to do. And I was willing to do whatever I had to do to make it work, even if that meant only sleeping 2 or 3 hours some nights, and running myself ragged all day. The answer to the first part of the question is  yes, I think you can have both: a marriage/family and career. It’s a monumental juggling act, and you always feel like the last skater in the Ice Follies, and you never quite catch up, but you can do it if you want to, and I did. And some days it works smoothly, and at other times it is a zoo. I was also very lucky once I wrote full-time because I worked at home, and I could work at night when they were asleep.

BUT the second part of the question is the hook here. “while taking care of her own needs.” That is an entirely different story. I think marriage/family/kids/career is very different today. When I was young, people married very young, and fewer women had serious careers. And let’s face it, how many needs did I have when I married at 17 and had kids at 18? I didn’t worry about it at that age, and really didn’t have a lot of needs myself. Most women married and had kids in their early and mid twenties then. Very, very few women do that today. They wait. They build their lives and careers, and most marry in their 30′s, many in their late 30′s in a more sophisticated but unstable (economically) world. And women that age have opinions, habits, lifestyles they are used to, and needs. They are used to taking care of themselves, long before they have kids. Honestly, I think having kids is about being willing to sacrifice yourself, and maybe to some extent being married is about that too. How much of yourself and your own time are you willing to give up, or do you really NEED your down time, your massages, your time to yourself, your sleep, your manicures, your time with girlfriends, your quiet moment with your husband over a glass of wine at the end of the day?

For at least 20 years, I had no time to read a magazine, never had a manicure, never had lunch with a friend (seriously), I hardly had time to dress before I started chasing the kids around and I looked a mess at the end of the day. I didn’t get quiet moments, the luxury of time to myself, and even with people to help me, I was talking to my husband while helping one kid to do homework, carrying another on my hip, while two kids were crying, one had an ear ache and another one needed to be changed. Admittedly, I had more kids than most people, but to be brutally honest, if you are looking to ‘taking care of your own needs,” it’s going to be tough having a husband, kids and a career, because your husband will want your attention, your kids will have ear aches, a fever and runny noses, and your boss is going to want you to produce whatever he is paying you to do. Can you manage the husband, the kids, and the boss? Yes, definitely. You may be tired on some days, but you can do it, if it’s important to you. But for me, the only way to do it, was to put my own needs last, I just didn’t have the time to do whatever I wanted to do. I grew up that way, having kids so young, which was an advantage. And I think this generation of older mothers is concerned about their needs, understandably, because they’re old enough to know what they need. But to answer the question, no, I don’t think you can take care of your own needs if you want a husband, kids, and a career. Something is going to have to bite the dust, and more than likely it will be you and your needs. I always thought it was worth it, but it’s a personal decision we all have to make, about priorities. That’s just my opinion, but it’s what I think.

I’m not sure who the modern day hero is. I haven’t met one in a while. I think lives are different now, men have to be more helpful than they used to be. Women expect it of them, and women are busy too. So I think relationships are more partnerships today than they used to be. And roles are much less clearly defined. Often women today are more successful, or make more money, which is a real challenge for most men. Their role is not as clearly defined as it used to be. To me a hero is a good person, with integrity, decent and kind, who tries as hard as you do to make things work, is reliable and trustworthy, and a good guy, someone you can count on. I think we are all looking for the same things we always did, it’s just packaged a little differently now. Relationships are always challenging, and you have to work at them. A hero is a guy who will (work at it with you). It’s not enough to just be handsome and have a good job. Women today expect more, and the heat is on men too. To me a ‘hero’ is a good person, a good human being, who is trustworthy, loving and kind to the people in his life.

Are men the luckier gender? I’m not sure I know the answer to that. Sometimes, I think they are. As women, we have a double job, if we work. We have to do our jobs in the day time, and then come home and be mother and wife, or partner, take care of everyone’s needs and get the Christmas cards out. We are tutor, mentor, secretary, family shrink, sometimes provider, fashion coordinator, social secretary, and a whole lot of roles most men don’t bother with. And I’ve always noticed that when we’re sick, we still drive car pool and take care of the kids, and when a man is sick the whole world stops.

But men, particularly in today’s world, are under a lot of pressure too. They have to be a lot more sensitive and aware and ‘real’ than they used to be.  They do a lot more with the kids. They have to be sensitive AND strong, and reassure us. There is a lot of pressure on men to be ‘brave’, and they can’t be brave all the time. And being sensitive AND strong is a juggling act that can’t be easy to manage. I think both roles are difficult in today’s world. We’re expected to act more like men now, to be tougher and stronger in the work place, and maybe bring home the bacon, but be loving and gentle at home (not always an easy shift to make if you’re in a tough job as a woman and have to fight in the workplace all day). And men have to be more sensitive today than ever before. On the surface, I always thought men were luckier because they get to call all the shots. And they don’t have to sit around waiting for some cute guy to call them, because we’re not supposed to call them (I don’t think those rules still apply).

Bottom line, no matter how important our jobs, or how much we earn, men still expect us to be women, and act like women, when we come home. And we expect them to act like men, take care of us, and protect us, and fight off a bear if one should come to the door. I’m not sure which one is the luckier gender. Both have their upsides and downsides, and that’s just the way it is. I think I’m happy with my gender, lucky or not. And I like it when a man acts like a man, and makes me feel protected, loved and safe. So maybe we’re the luckier gender after all. (Besides, we get to wear cuter shoes).

Danielle Steel is the best selling author alive, with over 800 million books sold– her rivals include Shakespeare, Dickens + Agatha Christie.  She is also a mother to 7 children… Those 2 facts alone, are breathtaking in today’s time. I emailed Danielle recently and asked her if we could do a Q + A discussing such topics as:  how did you stumble on your career; best daily practices; precision organization; work schedule management; required sleep, daily uniform, women + men; why her books/ characters resonate so deeply with her audience; definition of the modern-day hero; and lastly which gender has it easier…

The answers were so unbelievably thoughtful, that I’ve had to spread them over several days… So please, stay tuned.

A very big shout out + thank you to my favorite, MRS. LILIEN!

I am in my small office in my kitchen in my Paris home. (big kitchen, small office)

Luck in part, I have been very fortunate in my success and career. Other than that, I attribute it to very, very hard work, and persistence. Discipline to make myself work, even on a pretty day when other pursuits beckon, or when I’m tired and would love to have a break. (I finish the work first). Discipline, hard work, and persistence win the prize every time..

I like the choice of word, how did I ‘stumble’ on this calling. My major in college was literature. And all my training was in art and design (at Parsons School of Design). I wanted to be a fashion designer ‘when I grew up”. But the high pressure of the business scared me off (and I wound up in a high pressure field anyway, with very tough deadlines). I am still very drawn to design, had an art gallery for several years, still curate art shows of contemporary art once a year, and do interior design. But I ‘stumbled’ into writing at 19, and wrote poetry for fun before that, and published quite a lot of poetry.

My jobs after college were as a translator, then in advertising and PR. I was a copywriter, and one of our PR clients was a group of magazines. The Publisher suggested that I should write a book, which intrigued me. So I tried it (at 19) and was hooked. It was a long, long time (about another 10 years) before I could make a living as a writer, so I continued to work in advertising, did some free lance writing, and taught English and creative writing at two high schools, and then finally became a full time writer. But I was hooked the minute I wrote my first novel at 19. I didn’t wait to find out if it would be published. I started a second novel the moment I finished the first one. My first novel sold very quickly, the next 5 didn’t sell to anyone (and are still in a box somewhere), which is where persistence came in. Despite the 5 novels that didn’t sell, I kept writing, and slowly, slowly, my work began to gain momentum. My seventh novel sold, and I kept plugging away. If I had given up during the 5 that didn’t sell, I would never have the career I do today (after 123 books). It’s a great lesson in persistence.

I’ll confess. I am relentlessly organized, which can be very irritating to others. I plan months ahead. My first priority is family and family related events. At the beginning of the year, I map out where I want to be when, the kids’ (grown up now) birthdays I want to come home for, and the things I want to do with them (we try to spend all major holidays together, despite all of our busy lives). Those times with my kids are sacred to me. And then I plan out my work, and the books I have to do that year. I block out when I will have uninterrupted time to write. And everything else falls into place around that. But I don’t wait for ‘inspiration’ or having time to write. I block out that time first. (For each book, I do three or four re-writes, have to edit galleys and audio scripts, decide on covers and ads, and I do a little bit of publicity for each book. So it’s all more time-consuming than it appears, and has to be planned. I don’t just ‘wing it’)You have to make choices and sacrifices in life, and I have. My first priority has always been family and my partner/husband, when I’ve had one, and then the work. And it is sometimes very hard to juggle both, as we all know. I’m always willing to sacrifice time for myself, or my social life, for family and/or work. There are a lot of things I’d like to do that I just don’t have time for. For me the work has to come first, in order to meet my deadlines, and maintain my flow of work.

On Sundays, I map out what I have to do that week. I like knowing what I’m doing. And I am VERY disciplined about sticking to my work plan. Once I’m engaged in a block of work, nothing sways me from it.

I’m also a list maker, and I am not good with any kind of technology. I write on a l946 manual  typewriter that I bought for $20.00 when I started writing. I still use the same machine 123 books later. I have a 10 year old cell phone, don’t own a Blackberry.  I only use a lap top for email and nothing else. And I have a very overstuffed date book with my whole life in it for the year, which I tote around with me when I travel. I live between two cities, so I have to be very organized to meet my deadlines, get my work done, see my children (in 3 cities), and live between 2 cities which are 6,000 miles apart.

Late at night, I review what I got done and what I didn’t. I don’t like leaving work unfinished, and try to get it all done each day. I’m willing to stay up very late and sacrifice sleep to do it, I feel better when I finish what I needed to do. But I’ve also gotten better about letting go at some point. Some days you just cant do it all!!! But I try!!

I don’t always feel ‘confident’, in fact a lot of times I don’t. I’m a worrier by nature. But I try to keep centered. I try to start the day with a good attitude, that the day will go well, and I don’t always succeed at that either, if I have tasks looming that worry me.  I pray a lot, and love going to church, which centers me, and I try to read something religious at the end of each day, the Bible, a religious magazine or article or book. (I love the books of Joel Osteen, which are inspirational for me. He’s a young minister in Texas with an incredibly positive attitude that always gives me a boost. And some days, despite your best intentions, it all falls apart, and you’re all stressed out by 10 am. (i’m in my office at 8 am every day, to answer emails and start work). Those days you do the best you can, and hope it goes better tomorrow. I feel better too when I go for a walk, and get some air, and lately I’ve been swimming. But having a good attitude, and a quiet prayer here and there throughout the day keeps me centered better than anything else. I don’t make an issue about being religious, that’s a very personal choice that doesn’t work for everyone, but it works well for me. (And on a tough day, I do make lists of things I am grateful for. And on a really bad day, it’s a short list, but it’s a great thing to do, to get your perspective back,and remind yourself that no matter how bad things seem, there is something to be grateful for, even if it’s a favorite pair of shoes, or a call from a friend).

art credit: Mrs. Lilien